4 aprilie 2014

Thank you!


I am thankful for my past, therefore it brought me where I am now. I thank the bad people in my life that have hurt me, because if I have learned how to deal with pain and appreciate more the small things in life that actually matter. I am thankful for the people who never blamed me for burning a bridge or two and leaving them behind without a proper goodbye.

I always had the courage of starting over and loving as if I have never felt heart ache, but underneath it all I never really forgot or forgiven many things and this is my burden to bare...

You probably smiled just now and wondered why I never really "moved on" by just forgetting about it or forgiving, but as much as I wish I could, I can't find it in my heart to do it.

I never really gave it too much thought; mainly I don't really think too much. I live here and now! When I think into the future I never look ahead more than a year. Why make plans when I already know I am not going to stick with them? Life has always surprised me - in a good way - even in my darkest of days. I don't consider myself of being an optimist nor a pessimist, I just smile and continue my road....

To me Life is like a game of chess; Two opponents, one white, one black. I am white and Life is black. I took the first step and then the battle against Life began. I have to be careful because I can lose in only 5 moves as I have lost many battles in the past and still I always liked to put all the pieces together on the board and give it another try.

Every match I lost I like to compare it with a lost relationship and the longest was my marriage. That was one of the times we both ended up only with two pieces on our table: The kind and either a tower or the mad man. This is the kind of game you just don't see any point in wasting time and you forfeit because there is no more strategy, no more victims, nothing...

My ex and I are the kings and our hearts are either turned to stone or just went mad... I believe my ex husband had a horse because I feel in my heart he just jumped over everything and just took a left or a right and I was a tower; I just went for it without any giving any second thought. And we closed this chapter with a smile on our face. I am thankful for what I had and what it had thought me, as I never regret stepping into it, I will never regret stepping out.

After that I became more spiritual, but not religious, I do not agree with Christian morals and I can't consider myself a Hindu or Buddhist believer when I lack knowledge of their believes. You don't just Google a religion. All I know is that all teachers of all races and religions of the world tried to teach the same thing: love... LOVE - a four letter word that brought the world to it's knees.

To be honest I don't really understand love; in essence we are all alone in this world, yet we crave for it and feed our soul with it and it feels like we have been given immortality. Too many people don't know that love is like a dose of magic mushrooms: it can give you true happiness and peace of mind if taken the right dose OR you can get poisoned by taking too much.

Sometimes I look up in the sky and I feel so small in this world and completely alone... then I look at my lover and realize that love is the only thing we have! Suddenly I don't feel so alone anymore.

Loneliness is either a curse or a luxury.

For me it's both and I must confess I liked to avoid it. Loneliness became a luxury to me only in depression, in my dementia when I fantasized over and over again of taking my own life. I am not ashamed to say it because who never thought one second about his own death is either lying or in denial.

Life just game me a check in chess, but I had so many options to "escape" I just had to pick one...

In check, you either retreat, relocate or sacrifice to defend; so what was my option going to be? In real life I never really retreat from where I came from so I relocate and move on until I feel... safe.


I am in a constant war with Life. We have one single weapon of attack and that is Love. It can create or destroy, it's up to us. We both love and hate each other and when I think of it, it always makes me laugh... this is the irony of life I guess..

Love has a twin brother named Hate.

I'm not the kind of person who likes to look back while the bridge is still burning, but rather forward while the flames still light my way, yet knowing that on the other side there are still people who haven't forgotten about me comforts me.

Here I think about a few people I can count on my fingers. I left them behind without a proper goodbye, but then again why should I apologize for this? A "goodbye" to me sounds like a sentence of never seeing that person ever again and I like to believe that the coincidence that brought us together in the first place can be the coincidence it can reunite us again, maybe tomorrow or in a couple of years. Who knows?

All I know is I am thankful for the people who never really forgot about me like a friend who always texts me for my birthday and vice verso ever since we know each other. We don't need a reminder, and with no obligation we just made it a tradition of our own, even though we don't talk the entire year.

I met him not too long ago again along with my other favorite human being. Both in the same place at the same time after six years. I see her as pure happiness, her childish attitude sometimes when she is very happy and playful, maybe it's the circumstance of how we met and the pink little shoe that we found a few years ago that she still has. I consider them my best friends. My favorite human beings.

I have no reason why they are who they are for me; there is no contest, but I feel love for them. Maybe just because they answer the phone once a year and are happy to hear about me.

I hope you haven't mistaken love with the concept of being in love combined with sexuality. They are three different things with different stories that may or may not be told...

I am thankful I found love in people who never blamed me for burning the bridge while I just "moved on" like the two people I just mentioned.

I am thankful for the love I have now - my dear Alex. A simple yet complicated young man. He has fought and lost many battles with Life, still he stands in front of me with a broken heart yet a pure soul. How could I not love him? The only person I share my loneliness with and it's so beautiful.

And I am thankful for Life and all it's teachings.

PS. I don't usually post in English, but let's just say today is a special day.

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